I hate romance movies. Life doesn't work that way. All that happily ever afters and that strong conviction that "she/he's the one!" and lo behold, it's true!
Romance movies are a con. They fill us with that stupid shiny glimmer of hope that our White knights will appear in our lives any moment. And when we fall in love, we cling on to that hidden desire that we'll get to have our very own love story where the love of our life does something so amazing, so romantic, OUR love story should be the one on that big screen.
Romance movies are horrible. they fill us with a secret hope that eventhough this and that bad thing is happening in my relationship right now, maybe, just maybe, he's going to do something equivalent to going back to the corner where he first met me, take out his sleeping bag and never wanna move with my picture in his hand, saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am".
Terrible. There is no happy ever after where he realises he's fallen madly in love with you and he has to have you, no matter what the personal cost. It doesn't happen that he leaves his job or girlfriend or state or country just so he can be the one by your side. Neh. More likely that he either finds another girl or you end up in a compromise.

Romantics. I know many guys who claim to be romantics but seriously? Cons.
He can't sleep, can't eat, every love song on the radio reminds him of you. But hey, when it comes to "love conquers all" and "all you need is love", you really better not be betting the house on him because you see that? That right there is his track marks and the shattered pieces of your heart on the cold hard floor. Don't look. He's not around anymore. No, don't bother looking out the window or at your phone. Don't bother glancing around when you go out. He's not there.

Romance movies sucks.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going back to folding butterflies and watching the latest romance movie I have because I'm a fool.

Terrified

After all my storms and hurricanes have settled, and all the dust clears, thats when you can see me, weak and pathetic. And I'm just standing there, unmoving because I dont even know where I'm supposed to go or what to do.

They say to fight your fears. Haha. Yeah, everyone knows its hard to fight a fear so everyone goes, "You can do it!" and maybe rattle of some tale of them or some person or another who fought a fear.
But each fear is unique and presents its own challenges to us.

I have mild Ochlophobia which is fear of crowds because it makes me feel suffocated like i cant breathe.
I have Trypanophobia which is fear of needles (the jabbing into your skin kind).
These two are my most obvious phobias. In completely dense crowds, I start to panic and I fidget around, 'looking' for air or a less dense area. And inside, I feel like I'm going to faint or scream or just cry.
It didnt help my Trypanophobia when someone told me if I tense my arm while getting the jab, the needle might break. WTF. I avoid jabs whenever I can. I preferred to take my chances with H1N1 than to get the immunity shot. I recently visited a friend in a hospital suffering from Hepatitis A and yea, it sucks, but no, I'm still probably not going to get the immunity shots. but when I have to, I do like for medicals. Then I do the mental equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing really loudly with my eyes clenched shut. Then when I actually get jabbed, I scream really loudly in my head. I once actually cried BEFORE i got my jab. I was 15.
I dont get my fear of needles. I'm not afraid of pain. I can stand the sight of not too much blood. I know why I need to get jabbed. But I just hate it.

So maybe the trick to phobias might be the same. Relax, apply science and logic. Whatever. But its not like "Oh, I got over my fear of crowds so my fear of needles."

Applying reason and logic doesnt help because in a way, i guess, its the fear of the unknown for me. What if the air really is thinning and I'm going to faint? What if I cant control myself and I jerk suddenly while I'm jabbed? (Which is dumb because if I didnt have a fear of needles, why would I jerk suddenly?


Is it justifiable? Probably not. In the end, we just have to 'man up' and deal with it. Doesnt stop us from running when we can. Doesnt stop us from freaking out at the last minute or when things seem to move downhill.

How long am I going to run from the biggest fear in my life right now? The cause of my fear is long gone but the reality of my fear still lives. Its so bad that its affecting important people in my life.
is it understandable? Maybe.
Is it justifiable? Not in a long run.
When am I going to 'man up'?

The Best

People tend to say, "You are an amazing person and you deserve the best."
I find it a little funny because:
1) There aren't that many 'best' out there for everyone
2) When you want someone or vice versa, you tend to think you're the best there is for that person

I have a good friend of mine who got together with a guy a couple of years back. He's a really good guy (or so I've heard). Anyways, things weren't going all that great and they decided to break up.
Later on, after much self torture and guilt, he and her best friend got together and they were happy. (I dont know though if they're still together)
And while she had cared for him deeply, she said it was different with the two of them compared to when she was with him. Better, in a way. They were happy and she was happy for him. Didnt mean she didnt feel really weird about it sometimes but she was happy for them.

So wait. Let's pretend for a minute that this story ends in "Happily Ever After". So he wasnt the best for her but was for her best friend? What, what?

Haha. Okay, I'm deliberately trying to be difficult.

I just think, well, sometimes we think that we are right for that person we want.
God knows I've deluded myself with that line many times before.
But its just us being selfish and being in denial.

I think it was in that book I read.

Ask yourself "Am I the best for him/her?"
Instead of focusing how much you need or want that person, think about if you are good for that person.

Once upon a time, a good friend of mine (they're all good friends of mine, eh?), an online friend I met through a game told me,
hey never let anyone ever get you down! you are amazing and you deserve the best. its a great feeling to love and save it for who deserves it and appreciates it even when at that moment it feels like you could never feel that way again well let me tell you you can

Sometimes we may feel like we'll never love again. Sometimes we feel like we lost something we'll never get back. Sometimes we just dont want to be alone. Sometimes we just want someone who is there for us, someone we can turn to. Sometimes we feel like love is not worth the risk or the effort or the time.

I am guilty of running away from commitment the moment things get too serious because I'm afraid, so very afraid, of getting my heart broken.

I have gotten over my past relationships, no doubt.
For me, I guess its that crystal glimmer of fairytale love that has been shattered a little too many times and the cracks and tiny slivers start to show.
After a while, when I'm holding that love in my hands, I hesitate and wonder, "what if this is just some rose tinted glass view?"
It freaks me out. And I didnt realize how broken my heart was until I started to feel for someone again, to really care and grow to love someone.
Someone told me, "Well, Sam, its just supposed to feel right. If you have any doubts at all, then that's probably not it."
But after a while, I think there's no black and white when it comes to love. In families, in friends and in that significant other. After all, a good con artist knows just how to ease all your doubts. After all, my phobia of getting into another relationship has screwed over three guys so far.

Our desires run deep. Sometimes they are so deep that we deny them even to ourselves. Sometimes they are so much stronger than we can bear that we do everything we can to convince ourselves otherwise.
Like a boy's desire to be in a normal family.
Like a girl's desire to for once, be part of a crowd of friends.
A simple desire to know, just at least once, what it feels like to be loved by someone.

Some things are easy to say but when it comes to the things closest to our hearts...
Do you think of me?
Do you care?
Dont leave me.
Can you see me?
Do you even know me?
Listen to me.
Love me.
Can I trust you?
Words get stuck in our throats whether its to some guy or girl we are crushing on or maybe to a friend who's fading away or to our parents. I think the hardest people to reveal your heart's desire to is parents. It hurts them to think they did it wrong so they convince themselves they know exactly what it is we're saying (which is whatever they want it to be) and fail to hear what it really is that we're crying out.

Anyways, so emo.

The best. I'm not anywhere close to the best. Does that mean that I'll never have someone since I'm not "the best"? I dont think that's true. If it is, God, that sucks.
But life is a journey. And although I may never be "the best" it doesnt mean I ever have to stop trying to be the best that I can be. As broken as I am, as destroyed as others may have left me, I dont ever have to give up on fixing up the pieces as well as I can.
All I can do after that is never to give up hope and to hope that I will find the people who will love me all the same.

Separuh Hatiku

I am actually very impressed by my sister, Liz. Remembering the original plan that she had to pick me up when I came back by bus from Singapore, she checked with me twice and even called today to ask me if she needed to pick me up.
Maybe she's finally growing up =)

I am still obsessed with this song... Little wonder why...

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination

Half of my heart's got you

Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

That half of my heart won't do

 Life is scary. And people are never what they seem. In fact, its like a huge masquerade ball.

I waltz across the ballroom in the arms of my beloved, my prince. 

Each story, waiting to be discovered~
I think people are like books. You can decide you dont like the cover or the words on the back and put it aside. You can pick it up because it looks interesting. You can skim through it. You can read it through as just another book. You can fall right into it. You can love it. You can hate it. Some people are like chick lits. Some people are thrillers. Some people are the not-very-interesting autobiographies. Some people are textbooks. Some people are books like "Kafka on the Shore"; with layers and layers of symbolism, hidden meanings, metaphors  in every page. Some of them are like "Atonement", "Sky Burial", or "A Hundred Secret Senses".
The night stands still and the world is ours.
And so we write and write and the plot continues to grow~
In every book, there is these little gems. Those wonders and ponderations that become all so tedious when voice aloud in a book club. I think in normal English, its the depths of the book? The tiny little twists in plots or characters or places. The little secrets. Because nothing can be taken at face value. There is always "udang di sebalik batu". A prawn behind the stone.  Just like in people. The little bits of us we hide that sometimes we hide even from ourselves because we just dont want to admit it but sometimes someone comes along and sees it; sees right into you and goes "hmm... its the other side of you"

But not every story has a happy ending and the night becomes day and masks dissolve.

Then there it is, that crossroads of how it could be~

In those cliched movies, books and real life, characters and people go "oh, I know what he/she is really like so its okay" but does it really matter who we are to the core? Should it be the dominant personality that matters? Like a grumpy person who's kind at heart is grumpy like 90% of the time and that really sucks to be around. Or a cheating guy who really actually truly loves you and only you but hey, everyone slips up once in a while so yeah, too bad if he cheats on you every now and again. Just like masks can slip off, they can also become so affixed, its hard to tell fiction from fact sometimes.
And then I wake up because it was all just another dream.
And looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth~
It is easier to hide behind a mask and lies and deceit than to expose yourself for who you truly are because at the end of the day, it is easier to console yourself with the fact that people dont really know you than to wonder late at night if they just hate who you truly are inside. It is easier to pretend a part of your life doesnt exist than to acknowledge that you cant keep living the other parts of your life without consequence.
because as much as you sing
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
The last line of that verse is still going to be
With half of my heart

You were just another dream.

And I just didnt know how to go on~

This probably doesnt make any sense to anyone. Except maybe you. *stares* O-O

You said it again, my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark

Terrified - Katharine McPhee

I like this song too ^-^
I'm gonna stop rambling and eat dinner now...

50-50%?

I cannot say if it has been a good week or a bad.
Failed my interview at the very first stage and that really made me feel like crap.
Hotel the first few nights wasnt really great and we kept getting lost going back to the room.
Discovered something interesting about a close friend.
Got into an argument with aforementioned friend. 
Hard Rock Hotel was frigging awesome like crazy.
We had a view of the pool and it was so beautiful!
Had Tony Roma's and it was gooooooood.
Had more ribs at Hard Rock Cafe and it was delicious~

But didnt go to Sentosa beach, Mustafa Muhamad, SP, etc...
The room was so awesome and the pool was so amazing, it was hard to tear away from Sentosa.

Anyways...

Hmm...
Actually, I'm in kinda of a bad mood right now. Some crappy people have been spoiling my mood.

Sigh...
 I want to watch Leverage and my stoopid sims isnt installing.
I think i need to go to bed. I had trouble spelling "isnt"

night, guys!
and thanks for all the birthday wishes!