The Best

People tend to say, "You are an amazing person and you deserve the best."
I find it a little funny because:
1) There aren't that many 'best' out there for everyone
2) When you want someone or vice versa, you tend to think you're the best there is for that person

I have a good friend of mine who got together with a guy a couple of years back. He's a really good guy (or so I've heard). Anyways, things weren't going all that great and they decided to break up.
Later on, after much self torture and guilt, he and her best friend got together and they were happy. (I dont know though if they're still together)
And while she had cared for him deeply, she said it was different with the two of them compared to when she was with him. Better, in a way. They were happy and she was happy for him. Didnt mean she didnt feel really weird about it sometimes but she was happy for them.

So wait. Let's pretend for a minute that this story ends in "Happily Ever After". So he wasnt the best for her but was for her best friend? What, what?

Haha. Okay, I'm deliberately trying to be difficult.

I just think, well, sometimes we think that we are right for that person we want.
God knows I've deluded myself with that line many times before.
But its just us being selfish and being in denial.

I think it was in that book I read.

Ask yourself "Am I the best for him/her?"
Instead of focusing how much you need or want that person, think about if you are good for that person.

Once upon a time, a good friend of mine (they're all good friends of mine, eh?), an online friend I met through a game told me,
hey never let anyone ever get you down! you are amazing and you deserve the best. its a great feeling to love and save it for who deserves it and appreciates it even when at that moment it feels like you could never feel that way again well let me tell you you can

Sometimes we may feel like we'll never love again. Sometimes we feel like we lost something we'll never get back. Sometimes we just dont want to be alone. Sometimes we just want someone who is there for us, someone we can turn to. Sometimes we feel like love is not worth the risk or the effort or the time.

I am guilty of running away from commitment the moment things get too serious because I'm afraid, so very afraid, of getting my heart broken.

I have gotten over my past relationships, no doubt.
For me, I guess its that crystal glimmer of fairytale love that has been shattered a little too many times and the cracks and tiny slivers start to show.
After a while, when I'm holding that love in my hands, I hesitate and wonder, "what if this is just some rose tinted glass view?"
It freaks me out. And I didnt realize how broken my heart was until I started to feel for someone again, to really care and grow to love someone.
Someone told me, "Well, Sam, its just supposed to feel right. If you have any doubts at all, then that's probably not it."
But after a while, I think there's no black and white when it comes to love. In families, in friends and in that significant other. After all, a good con artist knows just how to ease all your doubts. After all, my phobia of getting into another relationship has screwed over three guys so far.

Our desires run deep. Sometimes they are so deep that we deny them even to ourselves. Sometimes they are so much stronger than we can bear that we do everything we can to convince ourselves otherwise.
Like a boy's desire to be in a normal family.
Like a girl's desire to for once, be part of a crowd of friends.
A simple desire to know, just at least once, what it feels like to be loved by someone.

Some things are easy to say but when it comes to the things closest to our hearts...
Do you think of me?
Do you care?
Dont leave me.
Can you see me?
Do you even know me?
Listen to me.
Love me.
Can I trust you?
Words get stuck in our throats whether its to some guy or girl we are crushing on or maybe to a friend who's fading away or to our parents. I think the hardest people to reveal your heart's desire to is parents. It hurts them to think they did it wrong so they convince themselves they know exactly what it is we're saying (which is whatever they want it to be) and fail to hear what it really is that we're crying out.

Anyways, so emo.

The best. I'm not anywhere close to the best. Does that mean that I'll never have someone since I'm not "the best"? I dont think that's true. If it is, God, that sucks.
But life is a journey. And although I may never be "the best" it doesnt mean I ever have to stop trying to be the best that I can be. As broken as I am, as destroyed as others may have left me, I dont ever have to give up on fixing up the pieces as well as I can.
All I can do after that is never to give up hope and to hope that I will find the people who will love me all the same.