~ The things you said repeatedly up to years ago come back and bite you in the ass
~ "I hope you can trust me and understand..." turns on you and makes you its bitch
~ Someone complains about you treating them the way they treat you
All in all, I've concluded that I should probably say less things and keep a low profile.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Things I Don't Regret...
A thought occurred to me today. We're always saying "oh, I regret this" "oh, I regret that" but if you really think about it, do you?
So you guys know that I was in a sucky relationship for a long time. Today something happened which made me think, "I didn't use to be like this" Which is good, I'm learning from my mistakes. But would I have changed if not for that one past relationship where i repeated this same mistake over and over again?
We will never know.
But its things like this that make me think twice before I say I regret something because unless someone dies or becomes permanently disabled, it becomes a valuable lesson!
So if you learnt something from it, dont regret it.
So you guys know that I was in a sucky relationship for a long time. Today something happened which made me think, "I didn't use to be like this" Which is good, I'm learning from my mistakes. But would I have changed if not for that one past relationship where i repeated this same mistake over and over again?
We will never know.
But its things like this that make me think twice before I say I regret something because unless someone dies or becomes permanently disabled, it becomes a valuable lesson!
So if you learnt something from it, dont regret it.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Its Good That You Know...
After a while, I've come to realize that although I am good at giving advice, I'm not very savvy at taking my own advice.
Though I was advised to stop giving advice in a certain area seeing as my life in said area is 'a mess'. Which is funny because there is not one part of my life that I have not made a mess of.
Let's examine, shall we?
- Family
After a while, I get tired of trying and eventually I developed a habit of just running away every time I get upset. Does it solve the problem? No. So why do I do it? Because some problems are not within my power to solve and fix and so I go away for a 'vacation' and spend that energy on myself and people I care about instead.
Sucks to you if you think my method of "Dealing With It" is horrible.
- Friends
Now here is a touchy topic. Why should I care about people who dont give a damn about me? I think people who are aloof and distant from me have no right to expect me to respond with anything more IF I DON'T WANT TO.
Sometimes I am inconsiderate, needy and over bearing. Sometimes I am a do-gooder and too involved. Well, the people who don't like it can talk to me about it or leave me alone. I'm not a charity case =)
- Studies
I have changed college twice and I have changed my course. I studied only 2 months before my SPM, I rarely complete all my homework, I don't study consistently. So seeing as my studies is a mess, would that constitute that I should never again (until I get my act together) give anyone advice on how to study, what to study, or where to study?
- Love
Now here is an area we all know I have SEVERAL major flaws in. Some of which cannot be mentioned to the general public. In the past two years, I have dated 5 guys. Wow, right? that's a new guy every 4.8 months. But of course, sometimes its not even 4.8 months before I change a new guy. And usually, when I date a guy, I disregard any and all advice given to me, do as I like and attempt to justify my desire to go ahead with that relationship.
Many of my friends have received relationship advice from me. If you believe that my advice should be disregarded and burnt in a furnace, please proceed to do so. Thanks. =)
- Religion
Some think I'm a 'cool' Christian but here's the truth: I am a bad one. I have too many vices, some of which I don't even seem to be trying to shake off. I was announced as the official cell intern (assistant to the cell leader) but in truth, I feel inadequate, too immature and not spiritually mature enough to carry that title and role.
In church and cell, they talk a lot about our testimony and sharing it with other pre-believers but I cant remember how many times I've shared my testimony of how I came to know Jesus Christ. Its a boring story. I'm a kid who comes from a broken family who feels unloved, unwanted and insecure about every damn thing. I went to a church camp where I came to believe that God could wash away my pain, my sins and love me as I am, for who I am. Yea yea yea. Cue the music and bright lights, glimmering eyes and awe struck expression.
Christianity to me is a very simple thing. It is the relationship between you and God. Simple as that. There are many hypocritical Christians out there, there are many Christians who do what is morally grey, there are Christians who agree to disagree, Christians who seem to deliberately create a distinction, a separation between different denominations. There was that pastor who burnt Qurans, the pastor who said the world was going to end, there are gay churches. There was the Holy Wars and that letter thing that the Catholic Church sold so long ago that was supposed to cleanse you of your sins. Yeah, forget all that.
So what if pastors, elders, and leaders sin and fall away from the church? So what if renown figures in the Christian community start spouting very sketchy stuff?
Christianity is not about other people and you and the church and God. It is about your own relationship with God. yeah, the church comes in too but what good is a church when you have no relationship with God? If you actually say "look at those Christians. They're such horrible people", then you're biased and unfair. There are many students in this world. Some are good, some are bad. Which do you notice more? There are many parents in this world. Which stand out more, the good ones or the bad? There are many politicians in this world. Which ones do you know? Those who do good or those who are horrible? yeah, you dont hear much about Buddhists or Hindus shooting up schools but its an unfair comparison, one which you have to learn all the facts of the factors and causes before you make your judgement.
To me, its about coming before God and acknowledging his power, his grace and his love in our lives and around us. It is being still in His presence, its about listening to his voice and being the son/daughter that He can be proud of. Its not about following rules because God will smite you if you dont. Its about obeying his guidelines because you care and love him enough.
But I still believe I'm a bad Christian. I like to club even though I know its not right (and not for the typical christian reasons), I would drink though I don't like to any more and there is a list. I curse a lot. I have malicious thoughts.
And there we have it. Just about every base in my life.
-EDITED- Removed emo shit part.
I'm posting it here because I just started to rant (again) when I opened my blog. Last time ever. Really.
[Note: I mean last time I'm going to rant about this particular topic, not the last time I rant =p ]
ON ANOTHER NOTE!
Its good that you know~
Some things dont have to be spoken to be understood, to be heard, to be known.
Although it is nice to hear those words with your own two years, or see them with your own two eyes, actions always speak louder than words.
I dont have to tell my friends that I care about them for them to know. And although sometimes I still do, I know they know it already.
I am deliberately shying away from making family references.
Hmm... I'm just glad the people important to me know how I feel =)
Next topic. My pretty Charles and Keith boots are comfortable and pretty~~ I've taken to wearing them to classes since I've not had a chance to go looking for court shoes as of late and the ones I do have hurt like frigging heck. So boots it is!
I am sleepy and I have to leave college before the jam starts.
;) stay awesome, guys!
Though I was advised to stop giving advice in a certain area seeing as my life in said area is 'a mess'. Which is funny because there is not one part of my life that I have not made a mess of.
Let's examine, shall we?
- Family
After a while, I get tired of trying and eventually I developed a habit of just running away every time I get upset. Does it solve the problem? No. So why do I do it? Because some problems are not within my power to solve and fix and so I go away for a 'vacation' and spend that energy on myself and people I care about instead.
Sucks to you if you think my method of "Dealing With It" is horrible.
- Friends
Now here is a touchy topic. Why should I care about people who dont give a damn about me? I think people who are aloof and distant from me have no right to expect me to respond with anything more IF I DON'T WANT TO.
Sometimes I am inconsiderate, needy and over bearing. Sometimes I am a do-gooder and too involved. Well, the people who don't like it can talk to me about it or leave me alone. I'm not a charity case =)
- Studies
I have changed college twice and I have changed my course. I studied only 2 months before my SPM, I rarely complete all my homework, I don't study consistently. So seeing as my studies is a mess, would that constitute that I should never again (until I get my act together) give anyone advice on how to study, what to study, or where to study?
- Love
Now here is an area we all know I have SEVERAL major flaws in. Some of which cannot be mentioned to the general public. In the past two years, I have dated 5 guys. Wow, right? that's a new guy every 4.8 months. But of course, sometimes its not even 4.8 months before I change a new guy. And usually, when I date a guy, I disregard any and all advice given to me, do as I like and attempt to justify my desire to go ahead with that relationship.
Many of my friends have received relationship advice from me. If you believe that my advice should be disregarded and burnt in a furnace, please proceed to do so. Thanks. =)
- Religion
Some think I'm a 'cool' Christian but here's the truth: I am a bad one. I have too many vices, some of which I don't even seem to be trying to shake off. I was announced as the official cell intern (assistant to the cell leader) but in truth, I feel inadequate, too immature and not spiritually mature enough to carry that title and role.
In church and cell, they talk a lot about our testimony and sharing it with other pre-believers but I cant remember how many times I've shared my testimony of how I came to know Jesus Christ. Its a boring story. I'm a kid who comes from a broken family who feels unloved, unwanted and insecure about every damn thing. I went to a church camp where I came to believe that God could wash away my pain, my sins and love me as I am, for who I am. Yea yea yea. Cue the music and bright lights, glimmering eyes and awe struck expression.
Christianity to me is a very simple thing. It is the relationship between you and God. Simple as that. There are many hypocritical Christians out there, there are many Christians who do what is morally grey, there are Christians who agree to disagree, Christians who seem to deliberately create a distinction, a separation between different denominations. There was that pastor who burnt Qurans, the pastor who said the world was going to end, there are gay churches. There was the Holy Wars and that letter thing that the Catholic Church sold so long ago that was supposed to cleanse you of your sins. Yeah, forget all that.
So what if pastors, elders, and leaders sin and fall away from the church? So what if renown figures in the Christian community start spouting very sketchy stuff?
Christianity is not about other people and you and the church and God. It is about your own relationship with God. yeah, the church comes in too but what good is a church when you have no relationship with God? If you actually say "look at those Christians. They're such horrible people", then you're biased and unfair. There are many students in this world. Some are good, some are bad. Which do you notice more? There are many parents in this world. Which stand out more, the good ones or the bad? There are many politicians in this world. Which ones do you know? Those who do good or those who are horrible? yeah, you dont hear much about Buddhists or Hindus shooting up schools but its an unfair comparison, one which you have to learn all the facts of the factors and causes before you make your judgement.
To me, its about coming before God and acknowledging his power, his grace and his love in our lives and around us. It is being still in His presence, its about listening to his voice and being the son/daughter that He can be proud of. Its not about following rules because God will smite you if you dont. Its about obeying his guidelines because you care and love him enough.
But I still believe I'm a bad Christian. I like to club even though I know its not right (and not for the typical christian reasons), I would drink though I don't like to any more and there is a list. I curse a lot. I have malicious thoughts.
And there we have it. Just about every base in my life.
-EDITED- Removed emo shit part.
I'm posting it here because I just started to rant (again) when I opened my blog. Last time ever. Really.
[Note: I mean last time I'm going to rant about this particular topic, not the last time I rant =p ]
ON ANOTHER NOTE!
Its good that you know~
Some things dont have to be spoken to be understood, to be heard, to be known.
Although it is nice to hear those words with your own two years, or see them with your own two eyes, actions always speak louder than words.
I dont have to tell my friends that I care about them for them to know. And although sometimes I still do, I know they know it already.
I am deliberately shying away from making family references.
Hmm... I'm just glad the people important to me know how I feel =)
Next topic. My pretty Charles and Keith boots are comfortable and pretty~~ I've taken to wearing them to classes since I've not had a chance to go looking for court shoes as of late and the ones I do have hurt like frigging heck. So boots it is!
I am sleepy and I have to leave college before the jam starts.
;) stay awesome, guys!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Trust and faith.
>_<
This is my mantra for today
>_<
Okay, I honestly dont believe there is anything to worry about but its just that slim, glimmer of a chance that nags and gnaws at me in the dark corners of my mind and heart.
Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Trust and faith.
Not that I dont trust or have faith. I'm just reminding myself of why I have nothing to worry about. Its BECAUSE I trust and have faith that I should not worry but I do because thats what I do.
Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not. ~Samuel Johnson
I know it is no contest, even if it were, how could I lose? I know that is our truth
But kindness is in your power, even when fondness is not. Although I love that heart of yours, I wish you'd be cruel to be kind.
That is all it is, though. A wish, a hope, above all, my most selfish desire.
But know that I trust you, whole heartedly, truly and completely for you are my true desire.
To quote a classmate "Awesome , Sam totally lost it"
Here's a poem I found googling for quotes.
._. wow...
This is my mantra for today
>_<
Okay, I honestly dont believe there is anything to worry about but its just that slim, glimmer of a chance that nags and gnaws at me in the dark corners of my mind and heart.
Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Trust and faith.
Not that I dont trust or have faith. I'm just reminding myself of why I have nothing to worry about. Its BECAUSE I trust and have faith that I should not worry but I do because thats what I do.
Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not. ~Samuel Johnson
I know it is no contest, even if it were, how could I lose? I know that is our truth
But kindness is in your power, even when fondness is not. Although I love that heart of yours, I wish you'd be cruel to be kind.
That is all it is, though. A wish, a hope, above all, my most selfish desire.
But know that I trust you, whole heartedly, truly and completely for you are my true desire.
To quote a classmate "Awesome , Sam totally lost it"
Here's a poem I found googling for quotes.
i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling
anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate
for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart
—-E. E. Cummings
i carry it in my heart
—-E. E. Cummings
._. wow...
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Stranger and Stranger...
Went to Meeples to play board games today =D Fun!!! I am so going to get my friends to go there and play!! Their business is actually pretty good.
Foong's going to buy some of them including Small World (which is awesome) so I am happy~~
Before that we had tim sum... Lots of it. The siew mai is so frigging delicious... Ate until we can barely walk, man. Order order order until 50 buck! omg! but it was so good~
Went to pavilion after all together because Cikgu wanted to go to Tokyo Street. Its actually really pretty. Then (as usual) ramen at Marutama....
Went back to meeples but it was too crowded =( so here I am, sitting here while one computer spouts WoW and the other stalks people as I sit here typing this blogpost...
Well, my day aside...
I've been doing pretty well, I guess. College life is- interesting. So many assignments!
Cuisine - Presentation on Thai Cuisine
~ Aisyah, Sang Gyu, Jayren, Eugene, KoreanGirl
Geog - Presentation on UK
~ Aisyah, Jaren, KC,
Room Division - Triangular Hotel
~ Aisyah, David, Elizabeth, Jayren
Rom Division - Dos and Donts in the Kitchen
~ KC, Jayren
Computer - Website and Brochure
~ Aisyah, David, KC, Kirdley
F&B - Interview Manager
~ Aisyah, Kirdley, KC, Elizabeth, Jayren
*falls asleep*
Foong's going to buy some of them including Small World (which is awesome) so I am happy~~
Before that we had tim sum... Lots of it. The siew mai is so frigging delicious... Ate until we can barely walk, man. Order order order until 50 buck! omg! but it was so good~
Went to pavilion after all together because Cikgu wanted to go to Tokyo Street. Its actually really pretty. Then (as usual) ramen at Marutama....
Went back to meeples but it was too crowded =( so here I am, sitting here while one computer spouts WoW and the other stalks people as I sit here typing this blogpost...
Well, my day aside...
I've been doing pretty well, I guess. College life is- interesting. So many assignments!
Geog - Presentation on UK
~ Aisyah, Jaren, KC,
Room Division - Triangular Hotel
~ Aisyah, David, Elizabeth, Jayren
Rom Division - Dos and Donts in the Kitchen
~ KC, Jayren
Computer - Website and Brochure
~ Aisyah, David, KC, Kirdley
F&B - Interview Manager
~ Aisyah, Kirdley, KC, Elizabeth, Jayren
*falls asleep*
Saturday, August 6, 2011
More Than You Know
What is it that I'm doing wrong? It has to be me, something I'm not getting right... So what is it? Could the answer just drop from the sky so we could forgo the whole process of discovering it? So what is it? What am I doing wrong? It bothers me more than you know... No, I'm not angry. The opposite. I'm sad, I'm confused.
Does Google have an answer?
All Google says is what I suspected that it's all my fault and if i want to know, I have to go through that whole process of finding out which I dont because it will suck.
I wish I knew so it could be okay again.
Does Google have an answer?
All Google says is what I suspected that it's all my fault and if i want to know, I have to go through that whole process of finding out which I dont because it will suck.
I wish I knew so it could be okay again.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Pictures from July~
So this is what I got up to in July!~
Went to Genting with Alex and Foong before Alexy left for Australia~ We went to the theme park and the casino =)
And they thought I was joking when I said I wanted to ride the Merry Go Round
Mad dash to Tesco to buy groceries for a special dinner... (and breakfast) I was short of RM4 and had to remove some stuff =(
Chicken and potatoes in black sauce, watercress soup, chinese cabbage with cauliflower, little fishies andddd onions fried with fresh mushrooms and black pepper sausages.
Not to be confused with Tan Aisha.
 |
| My two favorite guys and me in Genting I had to beg them to take this picture |
 |
| Double Decker Merry Go Round |
 |
| Preparing dinner for two ~<3 |
 |
| MeowMeow wouldnt stop staring while I was cooking |
 |
| Half eaten dinner~ I forgot to take a picture before we started eating! |
 |
| Leftovers from breakfast ~ Bacon, sausages, baby potatoes and baked tomatoes |
 |
| This is Aisyah. She's Malay. Not Chinese. |
 |
| This is Aisha. She's Chinese. Not Malay. |
 |
| Aisyah, TheKoreanGirl and Jessie |
 |
| Our magic caramel! Two different colors from the same batch! |
 |
| Creme Caramel~ You know you want some |
 |
| Chicken Balls. RM1! (With voucher la) |
Monday, August 1, 2011
HIMYM says
You do not invite a girl to an event that is X time away if X is more than the amount of time you have been dating.
Hi, Jon, how's my blog? Heh.
Its been really tiring lately. Lost my purse AGAIN and kena marah about 7 times last night because of it.
I spent lunch time today being bullied. by a 17 year old girl. She kept asking me about my on going relationship and never seemed satisfied with my answers.
Ellie: So are you going to marry him?
Sam: Its not even official yet. (The relationship)
Ellie: WHYY?
Sam: ._. because I have commitment phobia
Ellie: Then how are you going to get married?
Sam: Wha? Not like I can get married while I'm still a student
Ellie: Then when are you getting married?!
Sam: Eventually lah!
Ellie: OMG! But then by the time you finish you're like 24 and you going to date for like 2-3 years then get married OMG you'll be so old! What if something happens?
Sam: Wha? What is going to happen? Anyways, We're not even ready to be married! And its only 24! He's only 25 now loh.
Ellie: WHAT? THEN WHAT IF SOMETHING SOMETHING HAPPENS AND HE ENDS UP OLD AND ALONE?!
Yeah. That goes on for like another 45 minutes. LoL. Apparently, 30 is too old to be married. Hahahahaha... Thats what I thought when I was that age too.
Then she asks for a picture and what does she comment?
"Gosh, you guys already look married"
I cant believe I found someone even more marriage obsessed than I am.
Tired tired tired... So very tired. I have a pastry class tomorrow!~ woot!! So excited yo! I am afraid I'll forget my chef uniform then die loh. Choux pastry? Ah. My sister is the baker, not me. I only know how to eat the things she makes and believe me, it is delicious.
Went to Rumah Kids on Saturday to help set up their library and sieve through the inappropriate materials. Gosh, I felt so heart broken seeing those books being tossed aside. I could feel my heart breaking! But I saved some of them and asked if I could take them if they didnt want it.
Yes, I took books from orphans!
Some of the books were really inappropriate for them la. I dont know why but there were Buddhist books and even a Hindu book there. Oh, the first book I tossed: Arabian Nights. Have you ever read Arabian Nights? As in the real version? Its so dirty with all the djinns and the horny wives. WTF?
Anyways, I'm gonna go look for my pouch/purse now... Then I'm gonna eat maggi for dinner! Woot!
Hi, Jon, how's my blog? Heh.
Its been really tiring lately. Lost my purse AGAIN and kena marah about 7 times last night because of it.
I spent lunch time today being bullied. by a 17 year old girl. She kept asking me about my on going relationship and never seemed satisfied with my answers.
Ellie: So are you going to marry him?
Sam: Its not even official yet. (The relationship)
Ellie: WHYY?
Sam: ._. because I have commitment phobia
Ellie: Then how are you going to get married?
Sam: Wha? Not like I can get married while I'm still a student
Ellie: Then when are you getting married?!
Sam: Eventually lah!
Ellie: OMG! But then by the time you finish you're like 24 and you going to date for like 2-3 years then get married OMG you'll be so old! What if something happens?
Sam: Wha? What is going to happen? Anyways, We're not even ready to be married! And its only 24! He's only 25 now loh.
Ellie: WHAT? THEN WHAT IF SOMETHING SOMETHING HAPPENS AND HE ENDS UP OLD AND ALONE?!
Yeah. That goes on for like another 45 minutes. LoL. Apparently, 30 is too old to be married. Hahahahaha... Thats what I thought when I was that age too.
Then she asks for a picture and what does she comment?
"Gosh, you guys already look married"
I cant believe I found someone even more marriage obsessed than I am.
Tired tired tired... So very tired. I have a pastry class tomorrow!~ woot!! So excited yo! I am afraid I'll forget my chef uniform then die loh. Choux pastry? Ah. My sister is the baker, not me. I only know how to eat the things she makes and believe me, it is delicious.
Went to Rumah Kids on Saturday to help set up their library and sieve through the inappropriate materials. Gosh, I felt so heart broken seeing those books being tossed aside. I could feel my heart breaking! But I saved some of them and asked if I could take them if they didnt want it.
Yes, I took books from orphans!
Some of the books were really inappropriate for them la. I dont know why but there were Buddhist books and even a Hindu book there. Oh, the first book I tossed: Arabian Nights. Have you ever read Arabian Nights? As in the real version? Its so dirty with all the djinns and the horny wives. WTF?
Anyways, I'm gonna go look for my pouch/purse now... Then I'm gonna eat maggi for dinner! Woot!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tiring is what it is...
My sleep patterns have been thrown off a cliff and left lying there on the ravine floor, broken and in pieces. I almost miss the days when I wake up automatically around 7-8am. Its 2.19am. I slept at about 9pm? Woke up about 11pm. I have to wake up at 6 am for an 8am class. Though I guess I'll have to leave a little earlier than usual since I'll be part of the morning rush.
Practical class tomorrow and its the least interesting one =\
Got my knife set and uniforms today. I dont like my chef shoes. They're clunky and loose. My feet are stuck at a half size. Anything smaller and my feet are suffocating. A size bigger and its loose. Well, the good thing about chef boots is that I can just wear thicker socks... I hope...
I would really like to go back to sleep... I'd also like for my belongings not to get so easily misplaced by yours truly. I went to college without my little purse bag thing and later on in the day (AFTER lunch where I had to borrow 5 bucks to eat) I found that it had dropped on my car the day before....
Speaking of cars, my dad is away and I have his car. Woot! Sad thing is, I have no where to go besides college. Yeahhhh.... And maybe Tesco. I'm so annoyed my dad has been eating my frozen food. Its like I'm using my allowance to feed my father. Really, dad? Really? I go down looking for my frozen slice of pizza and what do I find? Nothing. I look for my frozen prata and what do I find? My packet of 5 (FIVE) pratas open and a smushed up prata inside it. I am going to take my dad's credit card when he comes back and I am going to Tesco and stocking the fridge PROPERLY. *grumbles* all they buy is maggi and a bunch of food no one cooks.
Really, guys? No one cooks in this house regularly! Fast frozen food FTW.
The only thing of mine that he DIDNT eat was my frozen steamed buns. Why? Probably because they are the healthiest thing I bought. Sighs.
My father is such a boy.
Speaking of boys...
Sigh...
Boys....
This seems to be a season of being plagued by the antics of boys... Their ridiculous ideas, silly notions and stupid mistakes... Let's not forget their unwillingness to listen, compromise and attempt to be considerate.
Sigh...
Boys...
And its that time in my game again where its pissing me off...
Sigh...
Anyone who wants to cheer me up can cook me a nice, yummy bowl of assam laksa maggi.
Practical class tomorrow and its the least interesting one =\
Got my knife set and uniforms today. I dont like my chef shoes. They're clunky and loose. My feet are stuck at a half size. Anything smaller and my feet are suffocating. A size bigger and its loose. Well, the good thing about chef boots is that I can just wear thicker socks... I hope...
I would really like to go back to sleep... I'd also like for my belongings not to get so easily misplaced by yours truly. I went to college without my little purse bag thing and later on in the day (AFTER lunch where I had to borrow 5 bucks to eat) I found that it had dropped on my car the day before....
Speaking of cars, my dad is away and I have his car. Woot! Sad thing is, I have no where to go besides college. Yeahhhh.... And maybe Tesco. I'm so annoyed my dad has been eating my frozen food. Its like I'm using my allowance to feed my father. Really, dad? Really? I go down looking for my frozen slice of pizza and what do I find? Nothing. I look for my frozen prata and what do I find? My packet of 5 (FIVE) pratas open and a smushed up prata inside it. I am going to take my dad's credit card when he comes back and I am going to Tesco and stocking the fridge PROPERLY. *grumbles* all they buy is maggi and a bunch of food no one cooks.
Really, guys? No one cooks in this house regularly! Fast frozen food FTW.
The only thing of mine that he DIDNT eat was my frozen steamed buns. Why? Probably because they are the healthiest thing I bought. Sighs.
My father is such a boy.
Speaking of boys...
Sigh...
Boys....
This seems to be a season of being plagued by the antics of boys... Their ridiculous ideas, silly notions and stupid mistakes... Let's not forget their unwillingness to listen, compromise and attempt to be considerate.
Sigh...
Boys...
And its that time in my game again where its pissing me off...
Sigh...
Anyone who wants to cheer me up can cook me a nice, yummy bowl of assam laksa maggi.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Love is...
I've been asking myself this for a while... What exactly is love?
I asked Dictionary.com because Dictionary.com and I are real close now
Okay, so lets just ignore all the sex parts. I really dont know why there's so much of it.
Read that and thought, "That doesnt help much. Its just more words."
Checked my email and saw I had a comment on one of the poems I wrote on my other blog. Then I started reading my other poems. So many different kinds of poems touching on Love.
Checked my Facebook wall and saw some girl had posted "What is there in life without love?......"
So I posted up on my wall, "What is love?"
Ray: Love - Trusting a boy to NOT break your heart... Which in the end... HE Broke it...
Audrey: A decision
Then I asked a few friends.
Wei Qi: Something that cannot be defined
JC: Your hand in my pants [I am posting it here, Jon, whatcha gonna do? =p]
Jamie: Troublesome
Quah: Love is a pain but worth making [Really, Quah?]
Alex: Devine [He meant Divine]
Joshie: Is for you to complete [Because I asked him to complete the sentence, "love is..."]
Sharon: is something I cant think about now! AHHHH [cuz she's packing]
And finally~
Wei Huan's reply on Facebook!
"Baby dont hurt me"
Love is a decision. I really like that.
Its stupid to fall in love. Dont rush into it. Instead, grow in love.
Love isnt something that just happens. It is like a series of small decisions. Deciding to care. Deciding to listen. Deciding to share your company. Deciding to support.
I am terrified of Love actually. I thought I didnt know what Love meant but I think I do now.
I think...
I asked Dictionary.com because Dictionary.com and I are real close now
Love
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
Okay, so lets just ignore all the sex parts. I really dont know why there's so much of it.
Read that and thought, "That doesnt help much. Its just more words."
Checked my email and saw I had a comment on one of the poems I wrote on my other blog. Then I started reading my other poems. So many different kinds of poems touching on Love.
Checked my Facebook wall and saw some girl had posted "What is there in life without love?......"
So I posted up on my wall, "What is love?"
Ray: Love - Trusting a boy to NOT break your heart... Which in the end... HE Broke it...
Audrey: A decision
Then I asked a few friends.
Wei Qi: Something that cannot be defined
JC: Your hand in my pants [I am posting it here, Jon, whatcha gonna do? =p]
Jamie: Troublesome
Quah: Love is a pain but worth making [Really, Quah?]
Alex: Devine [He meant Divine]
Joshie: Is for you to complete [Because I asked him to complete the sentence, "love is..."]
Sharon: is something I cant think about now! AHHHH [cuz she's packing]
And finally~
Wei Huan's reply on Facebook!
"Baby dont hurt me"
Love is a decision. I really like that.
Its stupid to fall in love. Dont rush into it. Instead, grow in love.
Love isnt something that just happens. It is like a series of small decisions. Deciding to care. Deciding to listen. Deciding to share your company. Deciding to support.
I am terrified of Love actually. I thought I didnt know what Love meant but I think I do now.
I think...
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Hauntings from the Past...
Hello hello hello!~~
Hmm... Hi, guys. What's up?
I would really love to have a burger right now but that is so very fattening! I am back on my diet! Now before anyone rolls their eyes and/or start gearing up their "dont diet, just exercise and eat right!" speeches, let me first say that THAT is exactly what I mean when I say diet.
BUT! I ate a huge Chilli's burger yesterday =( It had beef, cheese, a big slice of tomato and mushroooooooms! (No, they were not magic) AND I stole huge chunks of mash *guilt* (not from stealing the mash but for eating so much) The mash is so frigging good. We had both kinds of mash and they were both super good but foong and i agreed that the black pepper one was better. I swear, my heart dropped when Brandon reached over and took a chunk of the mash
I just finish transferring the Double Rainbow song onto my dad's iPad which I love =(
What else is there? oh... Well, got into a huge argument yesterday but thankfully, it worked itself out in the end. It was a horrible horrible horrible fight... =(
Which brings me to the title of this post.
The past...
If someone lied to you before, you assume he/she would lie to you again, no?
If someone only dated a specific range of girls/guys in the past, does it mean you will never have a shot if you're not in said range?
If someone cheated in the past, does that mean it will happen again?
If someone broke your heart in the past, does it mean he'll do it again?
Well, we all know that in the case of lying, there are many reasons why someone would lie to you (again) to protect themselves, to protect you, to protect someone else... Yeah, lying is pretty much a given.
As for matters of the heart, there isnt a set of rules or guidelines that help us determine or estimate the likelihood of a specific event happening.
As much as you analyze the situation and the details in the fabric, whenever it comes to someone's actions in the past and whether or not they would be repeated, it all comes down to how much you trust that person to do the right thing, not to hurt you and to be the person you know.
That said, I find it amusing and appalling how little people actually know about each other and even themselves. It's sad really.
A very dear and close friend of mine once told me that I deserve happiness and a guy who will give me that. He told me that if a guy is/was mistreating his girlfriend, what if he did that to me? So if I cheated on my boyfriend before, does that mean I am unworthy of being loved by a decent man simply because of what I have done? So only the bad people can be with the bad people and only the good people can be with the good people? Wow, it must be really lonely then to be perfect. No wait, no one is.
Even if you think you are generally a good person and blah blah blah, face it, you're not.
If you're not irritating, you might be easily irritated or detached. If you are not needy then maybe you are aloof and cold. If you are not a do-gooder, you might not do at all.
I said "MAYBE" okay!
I dont know lah. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish people would be more accepting of each other's flaws and try harder to see each other for who they really are.
Hmm... Hi, guys. What's up?
I would really love to have a burger right now but that is so very fattening! I am back on my diet! Now before anyone rolls their eyes and/or start gearing up their "dont diet, just exercise and eat right!" speeches, let me first say that THAT is exactly what I mean when I say diet.
BUT! I ate a huge Chilli's burger yesterday =( It had beef, cheese, a big slice of tomato and mushroooooooms! (No, they were not magic) AND I stole huge chunks of mash *guilt* (not from stealing the mash but for eating so much) The mash is so frigging good. We had both kinds of mash and they were both super good but foong and i agreed that the black pepper one was better. I swear, my heart dropped when Brandon reached over and took a chunk of the mash
I just finish transferring the Double Rainbow song onto my dad's iPad which I love =(
What else is there? oh... Well, got into a huge argument yesterday but thankfully, it worked itself out in the end. It was a horrible horrible horrible fight... =(
Which brings me to the title of this post.
The past...
If someone lied to you before, you assume he/she would lie to you again, no?
If someone only dated a specific range of girls/guys in the past, does it mean you will never have a shot if you're not in said range?
If someone cheated in the past, does that mean it will happen again?
If someone broke your heart in the past, does it mean he'll do it again?
Well, we all know that in the case of lying, there are many reasons why someone would lie to you (again) to protect themselves, to protect you, to protect someone else... Yeah, lying is pretty much a given.
As for matters of the heart, there isnt a set of rules or guidelines that help us determine or estimate the likelihood of a specific event happening.
As much as you analyze the situation and the details in the fabric, whenever it comes to someone's actions in the past and whether or not they would be repeated, it all comes down to how much you trust that person to do the right thing, not to hurt you and to be the person you know.
That said, I find it amusing and appalling how little people actually know about each other and even themselves. It's sad really.
A very dear and close friend of mine once told me that I deserve happiness and a guy who will give me that. He told me that if a guy is/was mistreating his girlfriend, what if he did that to me? So if I cheated on my boyfriend before, does that mean I am unworthy of being loved by a decent man simply because of what I have done? So only the bad people can be with the bad people and only the good people can be with the good people? Wow, it must be really lonely then to be perfect. No wait, no one is.
Even if you think you are generally a good person and blah blah blah, face it, you're not.
If you're not irritating, you might be easily irritated or detached. If you are not needy then maybe you are aloof and cold. If you are not a do-gooder, you might not do at all.
I said "MAYBE" okay!
I dont know lah. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish people would be more accepting of each other's flaws and try harder to see each other for who they really are.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Peking Roast Duck
Every time I look at the little ducking commandeering my downstairs bathroom, the first thing that pops into my head is 'Roast duck... mmmmm..."
So I'm going to bid my time. Let it grow. I've got to learn how to butcher and roast it anyway. I wonder if my syllabus includes duck slaughtering o_O
Hehehe... Then I'll roast it and invite my closest friends and family to eat the little duck. I call it "Stupid Duck". My sister also has a kitten called "Cat". I'm not inhumane. I'm not gonna cook the kitten! Seriously, guys.
I have finally learn how to drive at a normal speed. After crunching some numbers, I realized there's no way I can afford petrol, tolls, food and misc if I keep up my current lifestyle so "Malaysians should change their lifestyle" (Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak, www.thestar.com.my, 2 March 2006).
Here's an interesting article >> How To Survive With Salary RM3000 In Malaysia.
SPOILER ALERT: If you are a married man with a housewife and two kids, you cant.
I am amazed at how little petrol I consume by going slower! ITS AMAZING!
Haha...
Lunch time. Bye, guys~
So I'm going to bid my time. Let it grow. I've got to learn how to butcher and roast it anyway. I wonder if my syllabus includes duck slaughtering o_O
Hehehe... Then I'll roast it and invite my closest friends and family to eat the little duck. I call it "Stupid Duck". My sister also has a kitten called "Cat". I'm not inhumane. I'm not gonna cook the kitten! Seriously, guys.
I have finally learn how to drive at a normal speed. After crunching some numbers, I realized there's no way I can afford petrol, tolls, food and misc if I keep up my current lifestyle so "Malaysians should change their lifestyle" (Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak, www.thestar.com.my, 2 March 2006).
Here's an interesting article >> How To Survive With Salary RM3000 In Malaysia.
SPOILER ALERT: If you are a married man with a housewife and two kids, you cant.
I am amazed at how little petrol I consume by going slower! ITS AMAZING!
Haha...
Lunch time. Bye, guys~
Monday, July 18, 2011
My first...
day went a little like this~
I am so tired that it is so not funny. But why would me being tired be funny to begin with? Sadists!
(Maybe I spout all kinds of crap when I'm tired)
So I'm going to bed after I announce that I am now officially a Taylor's Lakeside student!
First day of college and I have two assignments and an assessment test next week. Wow. College has sure bulked up since I was a freshman for the first time.
So I'll post more next time.
I am so tired that it is so not funny. But why would me being tired be funny to begin with? Sadists!
(Maybe I spout all kinds of crap when I'm tired)
So I'm going to bed after I announce that I am now officially a Taylor's Lakeside student!
First day of college and I have two assignments and an assessment test next week. Wow. College has sure bulked up since I was a freshman for the first time.
So I'll post more next time.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I hate the feeling of helplessness...
I wish I could do more...
When I was in genting and on the way down, all till the end of Saturday, I kept thinking about the Bersih rally. While Foong is a "f this country, I'm getting the f outta here", alex agrees with me that each of us has to strive to make a change in our country despite the racism and corruption. While the two of them bickered about politics Saturday morning, I laid on the bed between them (that sounds kinda wrong) and thought.
I love my country. I have a firm belief that as citizens, we have to exercise our rights and stand up for our beliefs to make a difference in and for our nation.
But while tens of thousands of people marched and protested for my country, I watched from a very safe distance, far away from the city.
Yeah, it was smarter, given I could be marked as anti-BN, I could have gotten hurt or arrested. But I feel sad that I wasn't there. That I didn't stand up with so many others and shouted from the rooftops because I wanted to protect myself from the repercussions. Sigh.
I am quite disappointed with myself.
On another note:
Unifi guy is coming this Friday woo! Can't wait. I feel so cut off and isolated from everyone! It's been ages since I chatted with my friends living over the vast seas and oceans. I miss you all terribly!
And it will be a relief to be able to sound my horn freely. I've been stealing whatever connection I can when I go out and buying data plan on my phone.
So when I can, I stalk you guys~
Which brings me to my next train of thought.
How I wish I could be there right next to you guys, my closest friends. I miss you, I wish we had the luxury of time and place to enjoy the closenest we once had. Especially the guys. I miss how refreshing and easy our friendships were, without the constraints of work, assignments and relationships.
I wish I could be there for you to call up when you're feeling lonely, down or just want someone to go do something stupid with. I wish it so much but its apparently not meant to be. All the efforts I've put in sometimes isn't enough.
There are so many words and actions I would take back if I could. If I apologized now, after months and years, would it be enough? Haha... Probably not... Words are just words and without the freedom to back them with actions, that's all they are: words.
Enough emo emo talk.
College this Friday. I am excited and nervous! Urbanscapes is this Saturday and I'm excited for that! Can't wait for a day out in the sun full of shopping, music and food!!
Time for bed! ;p
I wish I could do more...
When I was in genting and on the way down, all till the end of Saturday, I kept thinking about the Bersih rally. While Foong is a "f this country, I'm getting the f outta here", alex agrees with me that each of us has to strive to make a change in our country despite the racism and corruption. While the two of them bickered about politics Saturday morning, I laid on the bed between them (that sounds kinda wrong) and thought.
I love my country. I have a firm belief that as citizens, we have to exercise our rights and stand up for our beliefs to make a difference in and for our nation.
But while tens of thousands of people marched and protested for my country, I watched from a very safe distance, far away from the city.
Yeah, it was smarter, given I could be marked as anti-BN, I could have gotten hurt or arrested. But I feel sad that I wasn't there. That I didn't stand up with so many others and shouted from the rooftops because I wanted to protect myself from the repercussions. Sigh.
I am quite disappointed with myself.
On another note:
Unifi guy is coming this Friday woo! Can't wait. I feel so cut off and isolated from everyone! It's been ages since I chatted with my friends living over the vast seas and oceans. I miss you all terribly!
And it will be a relief to be able to sound my horn freely. I've been stealing whatever connection I can when I go out and buying data plan on my phone.
So when I can, I stalk you guys~
Which brings me to my next train of thought.
How I wish I could be there right next to you guys, my closest friends. I miss you, I wish we had the luxury of time and place to enjoy the closenest we once had. Especially the guys. I miss how refreshing and easy our friendships were, without the constraints of work, assignments and relationships.
I wish I could be there for you to call up when you're feeling lonely, down or just want someone to go do something stupid with. I wish it so much but its apparently not meant to be. All the efforts I've put in sometimes isn't enough.
There are so many words and actions I would take back if I could. If I apologized now, after months and years, would it be enough? Haha... Probably not... Words are just words and without the freedom to back them with actions, that's all they are: words.
Enough emo emo talk.
College this Friday. I am excited and nervous! Urbanscapes is this Saturday and I'm excited for that! Can't wait for a day out in the sun full of shopping, music and food!!
Time for bed! ;p
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Genting =)
So I went to Genting on Thursday with my two most favorite guys, Foong and Alex. Despite the many many protests beforehand that 'its going to be weird' and 'its so awkward!' it actually turned out great. They hit it off, just like I knew they would.
C'mon. My friends would all definitely all get along.
We went to the theme park where I convinced Foong to ride the Pirate Ship and where Alex convinced us to ride the AstroBlast or whatever its called (formerly Solero Shot ride)
Dinner was delicious! Rice infused soup, or soup infused rice, depends how you look at it ;)
My favorite part of the trip was the morning after. After we'd all eaten, we were all too lazy to get our butts out of bed, so we just sat there chatting (and napping, on my part) for two over hours =)
The drive down, after we had lunch and visited the casino, was omfg. First, the brakes started smoking about a third down so we stopped to let it cool down. There we were, three of us, eating chips. Then Alex smoked and got honked at ;)
-Gets down from Genting-
Then there was a super massive jam all thanks to a *tooting* roadblock. I think we were stuck there for 2 hours and it was about not more than a Km. Seriously. Seven lanes converged into 1.5 lanes?
It was fun at first, listening to music, eating, honking our horn and dashing across the highway to pee but at the end of it, we were just so damn grumpy and pissed off...
But it was fun =) and I'm glad we went
C'mon. My friends would all definitely all get along.
We went to the theme park where I convinced Foong to ride the Pirate Ship and where Alex convinced us to ride the AstroBlast or whatever its called (formerly Solero Shot ride)
Dinner was delicious! Rice infused soup, or soup infused rice, depends how you look at it ;)
My favorite part of the trip was the morning after. After we'd all eaten, we were all too lazy to get our butts out of bed, so we just sat there chatting (and napping, on my part) for two over hours =)
The drive down, after we had lunch and visited the casino, was omfg. First, the brakes started smoking about a third down so we stopped to let it cool down. There we were, three of us, eating chips. Then Alex smoked and got honked at ;)
-Gets down from Genting-
Then there was a super massive jam all thanks to a *tooting* roadblock. I think we were stuck there for 2 hours and it was about not more than a Km. Seriously. Seven lanes converged into 1.5 lanes?
It was fun at first, listening to music, eating, honking our horn and dashing across the highway to pee but at the end of it, we were just so damn grumpy and pissed off...
But it was fun =) and I'm glad we went
Saturday, July 2, 2011
School Days
Words cannot describe my relief and excitement at going back to school.
To-Do List
1. Stop calling it school
After three years of calling it 'school' instead of college, I'm going to have to kick the habit of calling it 'school'. People here do get so fussy about calling it 'college' and 'uni'.
I cannot wait =D
To-Do List
1. Stop calling it school
After three years of calling it 'school' instead of college, I'm going to have to kick the habit of calling it 'school'. People here do get so fussy about calling it 'college' and 'uni'.
I cannot wait =D
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I hate romance movies. Life doesn't work that way. All that happily ever afters and that strong conviction that "she/he's the one!" and lo behold, it's true!
Romance movies are a con. They fill us with that stupid shiny glimmer of hope that our White knights will appear in our lives any moment. And when we fall in love, we cling on to that hidden desire that we'll get to have our very own love story where the love of our life does something so amazing, so romantic, OUR love story should be the one on that big screen.
Romance movies are horrible. they fill us with a secret hope that eventhough this and that bad thing is happening in my relationship right now, maybe, just maybe, he's going to do something equivalent to going back to the corner where he first met me, take out his sleeping bag and never wanna move with my picture in his hand, saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am".
Terrible. There is no happy ever after where he realises he's fallen madly in love with you and he has to have you, no matter what the personal cost. It doesn't happen that he leaves his job or girlfriend or state or country just so he can be the one by your side. Neh. More likely that he either finds another girl or you end up in a compromise.
Romantics. I know many guys who claim to be romantics but seriously? Cons.
He can't sleep, can't eat, every love song on the radio reminds him of you. But hey, when it comes to "love conquers all" and "all you need is love", you really better not be betting the house on him because you see that? That right there is his track marks and the shattered pieces of your heart on the cold hard floor. Don't look. He's not around anymore. No, don't bother looking out the window or at your phone. Don't bother glancing around when you go out. He's not there.
Romance movies sucks.
Now if you excuse me, I'm going back to folding butterflies and watching the latest romance movie I have because I'm a fool.
Romance movies are a con. They fill us with that stupid shiny glimmer of hope that our White knights will appear in our lives any moment. And when we fall in love, we cling on to that hidden desire that we'll get to have our very own love story where the love of our life does something so amazing, so romantic, OUR love story should be the one on that big screen.
Romance movies are horrible. they fill us with a secret hope that eventhough this and that bad thing is happening in my relationship right now, maybe, just maybe, he's going to do something equivalent to going back to the corner where he first met me, take out his sleeping bag and never wanna move with my picture in his hand, saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am".
Terrible. There is no happy ever after where he realises he's fallen madly in love with you and he has to have you, no matter what the personal cost. It doesn't happen that he leaves his job or girlfriend or state or country just so he can be the one by your side. Neh. More likely that he either finds another girl or you end up in a compromise.
Romantics. I know many guys who claim to be romantics but seriously? Cons.
He can't sleep, can't eat, every love song on the radio reminds him of you. But hey, when it comes to "love conquers all" and "all you need is love", you really better not be betting the house on him because you see that? That right there is his track marks and the shattered pieces of your heart on the cold hard floor. Don't look. He's not around anymore. No, don't bother looking out the window or at your phone. Don't bother glancing around when you go out. He's not there.
Romance movies sucks.
Now if you excuse me, I'm going back to folding butterflies and watching the latest romance movie I have because I'm a fool.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Terrified
After all my storms and hurricanes have settled, and all the dust clears, thats when you can see me, weak and pathetic. And I'm just standing there, unmoving because I dont even know where I'm supposed to go or what to do.
They say to fight your fears. Haha. Yeah, everyone knows its hard to fight a fear so everyone goes, "You can do it!" and maybe rattle of some tale of them or some person or another who fought a fear.
But each fear is unique and presents its own challenges to us.
I have mild Ochlophobia which is fear of crowds because it makes me feel suffocated like i cant breathe.
I have Trypanophobia which is fear of needles (the jabbing into your skin kind).
These two are my most obvious phobias. In completely dense crowds, I start to panic and I fidget around, 'looking' for air or a less dense area. And inside, I feel like I'm going to faint or scream or just cry.
It didnt help my Trypanophobia when someone told me if I tense my arm while getting the jab, the needle might break. WTF. I avoid jabs whenever I can. I preferred to take my chances with H1N1 than to get the immunity shot. I recently visited a friend in a hospital suffering from Hepatitis A and yea, it sucks, but no, I'm still probably not going to get the immunity shots. but when I have to, I do like for medicals. Then I do the mental equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing really loudly with my eyes clenched shut. Then when I actually get jabbed, I scream really loudly in my head. I once actually cried BEFORE i got my jab. I was 15.
I dont get my fear of needles. I'm not afraid of pain. I can stand the sight of not too much blood. I know why I need to get jabbed. But I just hate it.
So maybe the trick to phobias might be the same. Relax, apply science and logic. Whatever. But its not like "Oh, I got over my fear of crowds so my fear of needles."
Applying reason and logic doesnt help because in a way, i guess, its the fear of the unknown for me. What if the air really is thinning and I'm going to faint? What if I cant control myself and I jerk suddenly while I'm jabbed? (Which is dumb because if I didnt have a fear of needles, why would I jerk suddenly?
Is it justifiable? Probably not. In the end, we just have to 'man up' and deal with it. Doesnt stop us from running when we can. Doesnt stop us from freaking out at the last minute or when things seem to move downhill.
How long am I going to run from the biggest fear in my life right now? The cause of my fear is long gone but the reality of my fear still lives. Its so bad that its affecting important people in my life.
is it understandable? Maybe.
Is it justifiable? Not in a long run.
When am I going to 'man up'?
They say to fight your fears. Haha. Yeah, everyone knows its hard to fight a fear so everyone goes, "You can do it!" and maybe rattle of some tale of them or some person or another who fought a fear.
But each fear is unique and presents its own challenges to us.
I have mild Ochlophobia which is fear of crowds because it makes me feel suffocated like i cant breathe.
I have Trypanophobia which is fear of needles (the jabbing into your skin kind).
These two are my most obvious phobias. In completely dense crowds, I start to panic and I fidget around, 'looking' for air or a less dense area. And inside, I feel like I'm going to faint or scream or just cry.
It didnt help my Trypanophobia when someone told me if I tense my arm while getting the jab, the needle might break. WTF. I avoid jabs whenever I can. I preferred to take my chances with H1N1 than to get the immunity shot. I recently visited a friend in a hospital suffering from Hepatitis A and yea, it sucks, but no, I'm still probably not going to get the immunity shots. but when I have to, I do like for medicals. Then I do the mental equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing really loudly with my eyes clenched shut. Then when I actually get jabbed, I scream really loudly in my head. I once actually cried BEFORE i got my jab. I was 15.
I dont get my fear of needles. I'm not afraid of pain. I can stand the sight of not too much blood. I know why I need to get jabbed. But I just hate it.
So maybe the trick to phobias might be the same. Relax, apply science and logic. Whatever. But its not like "Oh, I got over my fear of crowds so my fear of needles."
Applying reason and logic doesnt help because in a way, i guess, its the fear of the unknown for me. What if the air really is thinning and I'm going to faint? What if I cant control myself and I jerk suddenly while I'm jabbed? (Which is dumb because if I didnt have a fear of needles, why would I jerk suddenly?
Is it justifiable? Probably not. In the end, we just have to 'man up' and deal with it. Doesnt stop us from running when we can. Doesnt stop us from freaking out at the last minute or when things seem to move downhill.
How long am I going to run from the biggest fear in my life right now? The cause of my fear is long gone but the reality of my fear still lives. Its so bad that its affecting important people in my life.
is it understandable? Maybe.
Is it justifiable? Not in a long run.
When am I going to 'man up'?
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Best
People tend to say, "You are an amazing person and you deserve the best."
I find it a little funny because:
1) There aren't that many 'best' out there for everyone
2) When you want someone or vice versa, you tend to think you're the best there is for that person
I have a good friend of mine who got together with a guy a couple of years back. He's a really good guy (or so I've heard). Anyways, things weren't going all that great and they decided to break up.
Later on, after much self torture and guilt, he and her best friend got together and they were happy. (I dont know though if they're still together)
And while she had cared for him deeply, she said it was different with the two of them compared to when she was with him. Better, in a way. They were happy and she was happy for him. Didnt mean she didnt feel really weird about it sometimes but she was happy for them.
So wait. Let's pretend for a minute that this story ends in "Happily Ever After". So he wasnt the best for her but was for her best friend? What, what?
Haha. Okay, I'm deliberately trying to be difficult.
I just think, well, sometimes we think that we are right for that person we want.
God knows I've deluded myself with that line many times before.
But its just us being selfish and being in denial.
I think it was in that book I read.
Ask yourself "Am I the best for him/her?"
Instead of focusing how much you need or want that person, think about if you are good for that person.
Once upon a time, a good friend of mine (they're all good friends of mine, eh?), an online friend I met through a game told me,
hey never let anyone ever get you down! you are amazing and you deserve the best. its a great feeling to love and save it for who deserves it and appreciates it even when at that moment it feels like you could never feel that way again well let me tell you you can
Sometimes we may feel like we'll never love again. Sometimes we feel like we lost something we'll never get back. Sometimes we just dont want to be alone. Sometimes we just want someone who is there for us, someone we can turn to. Sometimes we feel like love is not worth the risk or the effort or the time.
I am guilty of running away from commitment the moment things get too serious because I'm afraid, so very afraid, of getting my heart broken.
I have gotten over my past relationships, no doubt.
For me, I guess its that crystal glimmer of fairytale love that has been shattered a little too many times and the cracks and tiny slivers start to show.
After a while, when I'm holding that love in my hands, I hesitate and wonder, "what if this is just some rose tinted glass view?"
It freaks me out. And I didnt realize how broken my heart was until I started to feel for someone again, to really care and grow to love someone.
Someone told me, "Well, Sam, its just supposed to feel right. If you have any doubts at all, then that's probably not it."
But after a while, I think there's no black and white when it comes to love. In families, in friends and in that significant other. After all, a good con artist knows just how to ease all your doubts. After all, my phobia of getting into another relationship has screwed over three guys so far.
Our desires run deep. Sometimes they are so deep that we deny them even to ourselves. Sometimes they are so much stronger than we can bear that we do everything we can to convince ourselves otherwise.
Like a boy's desire to be in a normal family.
Like a girl's desire to for once, be part of a crowd of friends.
A simple desire to know, just at least once, what it feels like to be loved by someone.
Some things are easy to say but when it comes to the things closest to our hearts...
Do you think of me?
Do you care?
Dont leave me.
Can you see me?
Do you even know me?
Listen to me.
Love me.
Can I trust you?
Words get stuck in our throats whether its to some guy or girl we are crushing on or maybe to a friend who's fading away or to our parents. I think the hardest people to reveal your heart's desire to is parents. It hurts them to think they did it wrong so they convince themselves they know exactly what it is we're saying (which is whatever they want it to be) and fail to hear what it really is that we're crying out.
Anyways, so emo.
The best. I'm not anywhere close to the best. Does that mean that I'll never have someone since I'm not "the best"? I dont think that's true. If it is, God, that sucks.
But life is a journey. And although I may never be "the best" it doesnt mean I ever have to stop trying to be the best that I can be. As broken as I am, as destroyed as others may have left me, I dont ever have to give up on fixing up the pieces as well as I can.
All I can do after that is never to give up hope and to hope that I will find the people who will love me all the same.
I find it a little funny because:
1) There aren't that many 'best' out there for everyone
2) When you want someone or vice versa, you tend to think you're the best there is for that person
I have a good friend of mine who got together with a guy a couple of years back. He's a really good guy (or so I've heard). Anyways, things weren't going all that great and they decided to break up.
Later on, after much self torture and guilt, he and her best friend got together and they were happy. (I dont know though if they're still together)
And while she had cared for him deeply, she said it was different with the two of them compared to when she was with him. Better, in a way. They were happy and she was happy for him. Didnt mean she didnt feel really weird about it sometimes but she was happy for them.
So wait. Let's pretend for a minute that this story ends in "Happily Ever After". So he wasnt the best for her but was for her best friend? What, what?
Haha. Okay, I'm deliberately trying to be difficult.
I just think, well, sometimes we think that we are right for that person we want.
God knows I've deluded myself with that line many times before.
But its just us being selfish and being in denial.
I think it was in that book I read.
Ask yourself "Am I the best for him/her?"
Instead of focusing how much you need or want that person, think about if you are good for that person.
Once upon a time, a good friend of mine (they're all good friends of mine, eh?), an online friend I met through a game told me,
hey never let anyone ever get you down! you are amazing and you deserve the best. its a great feeling to love and save it for who deserves it and appreciates it even when at that moment it feels like you could never feel that way again well let me tell you you can
Sometimes we may feel like we'll never love again. Sometimes we feel like we lost something we'll never get back. Sometimes we just dont want to be alone. Sometimes we just want someone who is there for us, someone we can turn to. Sometimes we feel like love is not worth the risk or the effort or the time.
I am guilty of running away from commitment the moment things get too serious because I'm afraid, so very afraid, of getting my heart broken.
I have gotten over my past relationships, no doubt.
For me, I guess its that crystal glimmer of fairytale love that has been shattered a little too many times and the cracks and tiny slivers start to show.
After a while, when I'm holding that love in my hands, I hesitate and wonder, "what if this is just some rose tinted glass view?"
It freaks me out. And I didnt realize how broken my heart was until I started to feel for someone again, to really care and grow to love someone.
Someone told me, "Well, Sam, its just supposed to feel right. If you have any doubts at all, then that's probably not it."
But after a while, I think there's no black and white when it comes to love. In families, in friends and in that significant other. After all, a good con artist knows just how to ease all your doubts. After all, my phobia of getting into another relationship has screwed over three guys so far.
Our desires run deep. Sometimes they are so deep that we deny them even to ourselves. Sometimes they are so much stronger than we can bear that we do everything we can to convince ourselves otherwise.
Like a boy's desire to be in a normal family.
Like a girl's desire to for once, be part of a crowd of friends.
A simple desire to know, just at least once, what it feels like to be loved by someone.
Some things are easy to say but when it comes to the things closest to our hearts...
Do you think of me?
Do you care?
Dont leave me.
Can you see me?
Do you even know me?
Listen to me.
Love me.
Can I trust you?
Words get stuck in our throats whether its to some guy or girl we are crushing on or maybe to a friend who's fading away or to our parents. I think the hardest people to reveal your heart's desire to is parents. It hurts them to think they did it wrong so they convince themselves they know exactly what it is we're saying (which is whatever they want it to be) and fail to hear what it really is that we're crying out.
Anyways, so emo.
The best. I'm not anywhere close to the best. Does that mean that I'll never have someone since I'm not "the best"? I dont think that's true. If it is, God, that sucks.
But life is a journey. And although I may never be "the best" it doesnt mean I ever have to stop trying to be the best that I can be. As broken as I am, as destroyed as others may have left me, I dont ever have to give up on fixing up the pieces as well as I can.
All I can do after that is never to give up hope and to hope that I will find the people who will love me all the same.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Separuh Hatiku
I am actually very impressed by my sister, Liz. Remembering the original plan that she had to pick me up when I came back by bus from Singapore, she checked with me twice and even called today to ask me if she needed to pick me up.
Maybe she's finally growing up =)
I am still obsessed with this song... Little wonder why...
Life is scary. And people are never what they seem. In fact, its like a huge masquerade ball.
I think people are like books. You can decide you dont like the cover or the words on the back and put it aside. You can pick it up because it looks interesting. You can skim through it. You can read it through as just another book. You can fall right into it. You can love it. You can hate it. Some people are like chick lits. Some people are thrillers. Some people are the not-very-interesting autobiographies. Some people are textbooks. Some people are books like "Kafka on the Shore"; with layers and layers of symbolism, hidden meanings, metaphors in every page. Some of them are like "Atonement", "Sky Burial", or "A Hundred Secret Senses".
The night stands still and the world is ours.
And so we write and write and the plot continues to grow~
In every book, there is these little gems. Those wonders and ponderations that become all so tedious when voice aloud in a book club. I think in normal English, its the depths of the book? The tiny little twists in plots or characters or places. The little secrets. Because nothing can be taken at face value. There is always "udang di sebalik batu". A prawn behind the stone. Just like in people. The little bits of us we hide that sometimes we hide even from ourselves because we just dont want to admit it but sometimes someone comes along and sees it; sees right into you and goes "hmm... its the other side of you"
And then I wake up because it was all just another dream.
And looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth~
It is easier to hide behind a mask and lies and deceit than to expose yourself for who you truly are because at the end of the day, it is easier to console yourself with the fact that people dont really know you than to wonder late at night if they just hate who you truly are inside. It is easier to pretend a part of your life doesnt exist than to acknowledge that you cant keep living the other parts of your life without consequence.
because as much as you sing
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
The last line of that verse is still going to be
With half of my heart
This probably doesnt make any sense to anyone. Except maybe you. *stares* O-O
I like this song too ^-^
I'm gonna stop rambling and eat dinner now...
Maybe she's finally growing up =)
I am still obsessed with this song... Little wonder why...
Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do
Life is scary. And people are never what they seem. In fact, its like a huge masquerade ball.
I waltz across the ballroom in the arms of my beloved, my prince.
Each story, waiting to be discovered~I think people are like books. You can decide you dont like the cover or the words on the back and put it aside. You can pick it up because it looks interesting. You can skim through it. You can read it through as just another book. You can fall right into it. You can love it. You can hate it. Some people are like chick lits. Some people are thrillers. Some people are the not-very-interesting autobiographies. Some people are textbooks. Some people are books like "Kafka on the Shore"; with layers and layers of symbolism, hidden meanings, metaphors in every page. Some of them are like "Atonement", "Sky Burial", or "A Hundred Secret Senses".
The night stands still and the world is ours.
And so we write and write and the plot continues to grow~
In every book, there is these little gems. Those wonders and ponderations that become all so tedious when voice aloud in a book club. I think in normal English, its the depths of the book? The tiny little twists in plots or characters or places. The little secrets. Because nothing can be taken at face value. There is always "udang di sebalik batu". A prawn behind the stone. Just like in people. The little bits of us we hide that sometimes we hide even from ourselves because we just dont want to admit it but sometimes someone comes along and sees it; sees right into you and goes "hmm... its the other side of you"
But not every story has a happy ending and the night becomes day and masks dissolve.
Then there it is, that crossroads of how it could be~
In those cliched movies, books and real life, characters and people go "oh, I know what he/she is really like so its okay" but does it really matter who we are to the core? Should it be the dominant personality that matters? Like a grumpy person who's kind at heart is grumpy like 90% of the time and that really sucks to be around. Or a cheating guy who really actually truly loves you and only you but hey, everyone slips up once in a while so yeah, too bad if he cheats on you every now and again. Just like masks can slip off, they can also become so affixed, its hard to tell fiction from fact sometimes.And then I wake up because it was all just another dream.
And looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth~
It is easier to hide behind a mask and lies and deceit than to expose yourself for who you truly are because at the end of the day, it is easier to console yourself with the fact that people dont really know you than to wonder late at night if they just hate who you truly are inside. It is easier to pretend a part of your life doesnt exist than to acknowledge that you cant keep living the other parts of your life without consequence.
because as much as you sing
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
The last line of that verse is still going to be
With half of my heart
You were just another dream.
And I just didnt know how to go on~This probably doesnt make any sense to anyone. Except maybe you. *stares* O-O
You said it again, my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
Terrified - Katharine McPheeEvery word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
I like this song too ^-^
I'm gonna stop rambling and eat dinner now...
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